Hello, esteemed and refined readers. Welcome to Fuck Around and Find Out Friday, a weekly reminder that I, Staci Jolene, sweet Lady Bapper, don’t just ask for respect—I demand it.

Being a lady boss means there are rules in my domain, and breaking them comes with consequences. Take Gilbert, for example. He once had the audacity to eat from my bowl. What did he find out? A swift bap and a reminder of his place. Humans who delay dinner time? They get to watch me jump on their keyboards and walk all over their desks until they make things right. I’m fair, but I’m not here to play. This is not a game.

This segment is for those moments when someone thought they could test me. Spoiler alert: they were wrong. So, let this be your warning. In my house, you don’t mess with the queen if you’re not ready to deal with the claws.

Let me share what happened today. My momma was busy working (or doing busy work, who can say?) and I wanted some lovin’ and sweet booty scritches. Cute as can be, I jumped up on her desk and rubbed up on her. She gave me the most mediocre of mediocre pats and then went back to typing. Hey, it’s not my fault she waited until the last minute to turn something around. She had all dang day to get work done, instead she decided to play around with the shit in her desk and try to organize stuff that had been in there for 2 years. So here we are at the end of the day and now she doesn’t have time for me?

I don’t think so. That’s not how things work around here. I slinked away in a huff and jumped up on the radiator behind her. The one that shows up in all her video calls. Exactly 2 minutes before the last meeting of her day I proceeded to do a vommy voms in a spot that would get caught on camera. I’m not sorry. She should be for showing me such disrespect.

Stay tuned for my weekly tales of triumph—and remember: If you F around, you’re gonna find out. 🐾